I Refuse to Fall in Love

I would like to believe in love again, but I don’t because I can’t, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I am not lost or burdened, but I am most comfortable hiding my inner truths. There is only one person in the world I blindly trust, my best friend. With all of those things said, this will be hard to believe: I’m currently involved with the greatest guy my soul has ever known. I’ve never had more security or understanding in a relationship in my life.

If it isn’t love, then what is it?

Let’s call him Neal. When I look at him, I see a reflection of my flaws and they are beautiful. He is a damaged cynic not looking for a savior, just like me. We are each other’s escape. We’re free together. Falling in love would ruin our bond. Our relationship would lose its specialness, and we need that in order to feel human.

Rules and Expectations

We promise to be present, indulgent, selfless, and vulnerable. This includes always giving the other what they need, whether it’s space or fulfilling a fantasy. I haven’t changed anything about my life since we’ve met. I think it is important to remain social and date as I always have. Dating keeps me from depending on Neal too much. As cold as it may sound, our bond is anything but frigid. I may not be my complete self with him, but I am a version of myself I’ve never been with anyone else. I have layers and I know where each of them is safe.

Comparing Him to Other Men

I’m not a stranger to love and conventional relationships, but I’ve never had something that felt so real and unfiltered. This is easy. With other relationships, I fought and cried to make them work, but Neal doesn’t stress me, he removes my stress. We fit, it’s natural, and there’s no space for doubt. I’m not an easy woman to control, but Neal softens me without much effort. I’ve never felt someone need me as badly he does and I get drunk off of that energy. We’ve been together more times than I can count and he still explores my body like it’s new to him. He treats me like I’m precious; something invaluable that he’d never harm. It’s almost like pretending to be soulmates is our form of foreplay.

Before We Met

My last exclusive relationship ended a little less than two years ago, it broke my heart into so many pieces that it feels like most of it is still missing. It wasn’t the first time I had been heartbroken, but it’s the one that lasted the longest and hurt the most. I no longer look at the damage it caused as a negative thing because I learned valuable lessons that I’ll hold onto for the rest of my life. My last heartache also marks the moment in which I changed. I became bold and unapologetically honest; someone I was afraid to become.

Finding Peace with Myself

I no longer believe in Prince Charming. I am a realist and I like to think logically. I was forced to be alone, learn who I am, and to fall in with love her. I will never pretend to be without problems. I love myself because instead of hiding, I embrace my flaws, and I live without fear.

I haven’t settled. Neal represents the current condition of my heart. He is completely perfect for who I am right now. I’m not stupid enough to think this will last forever. One of us will eventually fall in love with someone else. If it is Neal who falls, I will be proud of him.

What I Call Us

Conventional relationships aren’t the only ones that hold significance. Neal introduced me to my sensuality. I learned that being sensual makes me feel powerful. I have the ability to break the defenses of this brash, unemotional being, leaving him exposed and open just for me. We discovered a way to be physically, mentally, and spiritually connected without the risk of heartache. We’re happy. “Happy” is the only label I will accept for us. I’ve finally found a way to organize my chaos.




Christina Scribner

Christina Scribner

Christina Scribner is an aberrant poet, freelance writer, and Friends fanatic who has yet to meet a pizza she didn't love. Fearless and motivated by life's experiences, Christina is known to laugh in inappropriate situations and say the things others are afraid to.

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