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Gun-Toting, Model-Chasing Man-Child Dan Bilzerian Arrested Without Bail

Today is no normal day, friends. Do you feel it in the air? Every woman’s human’s worst nightmare has been jailed. Breathe a sigh of relief because Christmas just came early.

Dan Bilzerian, man of a thousand mistakes and enough money to cover those mistakes twice-over, has finally met his match: jail. In case you aren’t up to snuff on semi-celebs, Bilzerian is an American actor, trust fund kid, and poker player. He’s also, in his own words, an “astronaut” and “asshole.” I prefer “bearded douchebag with an inferiority complex” but to each their own.

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In 2013, he rose to fame by posting photos (NSFW) on social media displaying his insane lifestyle which includes but is not limited to: a three-legged cat christened Smushball, ridiculous amounts of assault weapons, and a healthy serving of scantily-clad, silicone-enhanced models and porn stars.

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Why all of these showy displays? According to him, he didn’t get much attention as a kid so now he lives a self-described “lunatic-lifestyle” in recompense.

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Besides being a high school dropout Bilzerian has also failed at other things like Navy SEAL training. To be fair, Bilzerian went on to get his GED  and uses the skills he learned in the two weeks of military training to stay up for multiple days during drug-, sex-, and alcohol-fueled benders. So don’t go around saying he didn’t learn anything useful.

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Last May, Bilzerian threw a naked, 19-year-old porn star named Janice Griffith off a roof into a pool. However, the Instagram Playboy seemed to overestimate his strength and failed to get the adult film actress into the actual water. She hit concrete surrounding the pool and broke her foot. Griffith was in on the stunt, it was part of a shoot for Hustler magazine – it just didn’t go the way anyone planned. She demanded $85,000 in compensation but Bilzerian’s lawyers have refused to pay for anything.

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Bilzerian also made the tabloid rounds this year for allegedly kicking a model in the face during a fight. The scuffle was caused by women fighting over Bilzerian. Apparently, a woman was pushed off a bar and then Nice-Guy-Bilzerian kicked her in the face.

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And finally, the real news: late Tuesday night, Bilzerian was arrested at LAX for possessing materials to manufacture pure TNT. I’m sure there will be double the amount of boobs and guns once he’s out of jail in order to make up for lost time.

Please do, Dan. We miss you.

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