I don’t care how many bloggers tell me it’s okay to fail. It doesn’t suddenly make failing feel better. It’s hard. It sucks knowing you were trying to accomplish a goal and falling short. It sucks knowing you may have disappointed other people. It sucks knowing you disappointed yourself.
Especially when you’re somebody who has perfectionist tendencies and likes to hold fast to the idea that you can be in total control of life. I’m turning 26 this year and I still have this idea that if I PLAN enough, if I make enough lists, if I follow through with enough things – I can do it – I can be in control.
Yeah but that’s not how life or anything works.
I’ll be the first to admit that 2016 has been a personal disaster. I spent some serious time and effort into putting myself together and coming up with goals in the beginning of the year. But so far, the last six months can be summarized by procrastination on everything: bills, taxes, dealing with medical problems, figuring out my direction in life, being a distant friend, slacking on creative side projects, and even procrastinating on daily essential life activities like uh, eating.
I even made a list of style resolutions this year and I’m failing them (except for embracing the 70s because I am all-in on that one). One of the top goals on the list for me was to stop buying fast fashion. I laugh at my naive, optimistic self of early-2016. I was different then. I thought I could resist the siren call of fast fashion but oh, how wrong I was.
It is so much easier to online shop and feel a sense of happiness that comes with acquiring something new than taking the time to set your life in order. Each shopping binge is just a band-aid for a problem that goes way beyond clothes. Instead of introspection and letting myself feel sad or you know, actually getting things done, I problem-solve with cheap Forever21 dresses.
So, by turning my attention AGAIN to my tendency to buy instead of reflect, procrastinate instead of take action (for fear of failure), I am hoping to change. I need to let myself feel sad. Let myself fail. And then sit with that before making huge purchases that pile more guilt onto the pile of emotional baggage sitting in the attic of my cluttered mind.